Over the past few days I've been following her around like a puppydog. My world revolves around her at this moment.


But now, everything's on the table. All that's left is comfort.
No more barriers, I've told her everything I was holding back.

But she loves someone else.

I aint never gonna find a girl like her again.

And her friendship is all I have left.


BLAH.

Hope is so treacherous. I don't know why I choose to feel it!

I looked thru the papers for jobs this morning, and I, being one of those people who can't really pin down what their own skills are, was looking for one of those 'no prior experience needed' jobs. Not a single one this week. But equally - nobody asks for people with degrees (except in the case of scientists). It's all rather baffling.

I think the main reason for high unemployment rates is Employers themselves, not giving enough thought into how to be considerate to those they take on.

I keep thinking maybe I should try and work as a freelancer, a kind of 'mercenary illustrator for hire' but I'm just worried that it wont be marketable.

Dad came in the other day with a card of someone and said "ring this person, they say they know a lot about you and they want your help" which was REALLY dodgy, as I didn't know the name of the person on the card, so how on earth did they know anything about me? Who told them? Why didn't they say how they knew me? I was immediately suspicious. I sent them an e-mail asking what they wanted and they were like "I'm a popular musician and I've got my DVDs played in New York film festival, but I want to know how to upload them on Youtube" ....I was like, wtf? You need me for THIS? And also, he still didn't say how he knew things about me.

I'm a bit frightened of someone like that. It's a bit like the creepy guy who came in our shop and kept peeking at my drawings and then one day gave me free binoculars worth £200 or more FOR NO REASON AT ALL.
I mean, yeah I'd find them useful...but WHY would you do that to a stranger? You'd surely get to know someone and make sure you were on good terms with them before doing something like that! It's a bit pervy and weird to me.

And yeah, I am really worried about people offering me work like that, because I don't feel I have any skills that people want. I'd love to just sit in a studio for a magazine and just do Illustrations for them, but in real life you have to know a huge Adobe suite of programs, know about printing nonsense, a bit of graphic design and be able to talk to everyone like an overly-educated posh man-of-the-world, which I clearly am not and have no desire to be.

Man, I hate being unemployable.

And why do people have to drive so slow in Devon? Like IDIOTICALLY slow. I was walking to the supermarket the other day and there was a long road with a zebra crossing over 10 metres away from me, and I'm on the path, walking towards it.
Some bloke, trying to be casual slows his car to a stop at the Zebra crossing, thinking I'm gonna cross, but I wasn't even anywhere near it! And there were like no other cars there, except him.

It took me a while to get there, and I was so annoyed when he was still waiting there that I decided I wouldn't cross there anyway, and just crossed behind him to spite him and his sheer stupidity. That's another reason I prefer Bristol to here ....in Bristol drivers don't care, they will drive as fast as they want and if you try to cross in front of them they will say it's your fault which makes sense, because it really is your fault for not finding a safe moment to cross.

ugh, rant over. Alls I'm sayin' is you can be a safe driver without being ultra slow.

GRRRrrrrowl.

-Des

Hello, sweet traveller.

Things have been really mental recently. I haven't been writing Journals as much as I should.

I'll tell you about my Life, but not the full deal.

So I've been struggling with work for the first half of 2009, but now I'm on hiatus. It's good to have a fallback like Kapers, my family's business, and I'm working there just to build up a little bit of cash.

It's not where I wanna stay but I have no choice at the moment.

If I had enough money, I'd live in Bristol for a year and look for jobs there. I figure to safely do that I'd need 8 grand. Frightening money. I don't understand how any people do that! And that's just to share a flat safely for a year without work. Yeah, it's a big safety net, but I'm not like other people, I can't be who employers want me to be, and generally suck at being normal around People. I try, but I'm clueless really.

One day I'll have the dosh to live up there. It's far off. But I'm proactive, so I'm paying for driving lessons, and saving money for meetups. I think it's the least I can do to remedy my lack of contact with friends ....it's hard to feel like I have friends sometimes because they're so distant.

I'm being Emu.

That's my version of emo, more of a pisstake really, because who was the idiot who decided to put a label on low emotions? They should be destroyed.

There is another thing, a person came into my life recently who has been a really good friend to me, but things are sorta awkward. She says she wont get up and leave me (like a lot of my old friends did) but I don't know if she likes me.

I'm probably asking for more than I should.

I definitely am.

I'm just gonna stop thinking strong feelings for said person and just....idunno....say words. Turn them into an acquaintance again. FML.

-Des

Gawd, I know so many cool people, people cooler than me in so many ways, it puts me to shame I wish I could see them more often.
But alas, I'm stuck in this inhumane situation not of my own devising and it seems they can all get on well without me.

Everyone seems so capable. And able to always come out with these great witty things, always seem to have a kind of wit that I lost a long time back.

I am so stuck here.

HEEEYYY FOOOOLS! Howareyadoinnn'

Stuff Up:
---------
-I'm working temp in our 2nd Shop in Okehampton for the moment's needs and being paid for it while I job-hunt. It's family money so it's not really very 'Real' to me, but as a jump in the direction of independence all my cash will be going on finishing Driving Lessons.

-We were just at the supermarket, Sam accidentally walloped the car boot door hard against Dad's nose (he wasn't paying attention to what he was doing) and it was bleeding, he was in shock for a bit, like it hit pretty hard, or affected the bone. Hope he's ok!

-There's so many new music albums coming out right now! I saw a Madness album on the top shelf in the shops that I didn't recognise, also just learnt of a (badly marketed) Marilyn Manson album coming out next week. Then next month, my good friend Dan is releasing his album, and then Kasabian hits the shops! And of course this year I picked up copies of Lily Allen/Prodigy,'tis a good time for music!

-I have so many damn stories and plotlines in my head but no motivation to actually make them into something, mainly because I don't know about Publishing, my scripts are unlikely to become movies, so...what's the point you know? A story is a story, if a lot of people read it and it alters their thoughts a little, that's excellent - but so many people write stories that everything is just noise right now. It's media saturation, and only the most popular writers win at the game.

Art is different however, because I know from experience that every person's drawn & painted art reflects their diversity and uniqueness - no 2 artists draw exactly the same unless they're copying a conventional brand of drawing, like Anime or suchlike.

-I've really gotten into dailybooth in the last few days, in a BIG WAY, at first I thought it was another fad, trying to beat Twitter (as I originally thought Twitter was trying to trump Facebook) but it's really different!
For one thing, you need a webcam, as you're basically having conversations with people using pictures & words, instead of just words...so you can sorta answer someone with an expression, or show them something you have. It's weird how the social sites are realising the flaws of talking on the internet and trying to patch them up

Join up, talk with pictures: [link]

-While working in Okehampton shop (because it's fairly quiet up there, we only take £300 a day average) my mind drifts a lot and I write a shitload of notes and doodles. I've written observations on life, To-do lists, physics diagrams, half-done comics, ooglings, sketches of the buildings I can see ...all very cool how a quiet shop in Summer with good views of random people walking by and busying themselves with various concerns somehow motivates me into IDEAS.

(as does bus travel, what is with that?)

-I wanna see Terminator 4, but I can't believe I'm hearing bad news about the script. People are saying it's not as good as Star Trek, which is worrying, because the trailer made it out to be spectacular!

I think filmmakers (such as me) should be extremely worried when it comes to making a trailer for their film. Trailers often showcase the best bits of films, often leaving the viewer to fill the gaps in their mind with other cool stuff that lives between each shown shot, yet when they come to see the film, everything's in the wrong context, the music isn't right and between the good trailer shots are boring/bad moments that betray the world that the trailer gave a glimpse of.

If I made a massively cool film with tons of amazing things happening, I wouldn't show any of them in the trailer. I'd just take a couple shots out of the low-point of the film and do a teaser.

-One of the buildings outside our Oke' Shop is really cool, and I would LOVE to live there....just to intrigue my mind I might build a UT Map based on photos, and then at least I can live there within the confines of a game! mmm, dreamworlds.

-Lots of Astronomical stuff has been happening recently. Hubble Space Telescope has been repaired:


[ Image Credit: NASA/Thierry Legault of shuttle Atlantis fix teams crossing in front of the Sun on their way to fix HST]

...and 2 new telescopes have been launched together: Planck & Herschel, and they will be heading for a gravitationally stable hover-point behind the Earth called Sun-Earth Lagrangian point L2. (Lagrange points are an interesting concept, read about them! A lot of stuff will be happening at those in future).

Also Britain has got it's first Astronaut, former helicopter pilot Timothy Peake.

-I'm trying to think of ways to get more active beyond driving, I think I'm possibly going to join a local Astronomical society and retake my Physics GCSE at a college if I can rustle up the money to do so, then I pave way for some career opportunities instead of just anxiously trying to get a place to live (although, tbh, that IS what I want the most!)

we'll see how it goes folks! ...and once I have my car, I can goto the BEACH! woooooooooooo0000t

signing off,

-Des