-I don't like the Sun going down too early.

-I'm pretty damn pissed off at mum now, as usual saying I'm worthless and shit. She should really move house.

-It's really hard to make meaningful connections with people I love to be around. Maybe they have blocks up, or they're lying that they like me (but they seem so genuine!), or they don't realise I like them so much.

My ambitions this last year have dwindled to the lowest most basic needs. It's crazy how something so simplistic as finding a job and a home and new friends that wont falter is so difficult to achieve - I don't know HOW people attempt aiming for the higher things. They're completely unreachable for someone like me and I'm starting to be realistic now.

Being realistic hurts. I used to have so many things I wanted to aspire to, now all I really want is someone to stick with me for more than 7 years and not bail after year 1.
I only really have three people in regular contact I'd count as friends right now.

Yeah, feeling like shite whenever a get put down by someone. See, even the slightest hint of negativity defeats me so easily, because my mind chains on to all the older problems I usually try to ignore. Then the problem accumulates into a giant latticed ball of spiky problems. Not nice.

-Des

[Edit] ohh ffs, people are putting a downer on the house, because Dad's saying he can't use my bros presents and feels guilty about telling them, and mum shouted at him for it because she's in the mood where she just randomly attacks people. GAH, I wanna smash some skulls of stupidity.

Okay so that Edwardian night thing I mentioned was a non-starter, basically Sophie persuaded me to go, I brought change of clothes and stuff with the intent of staying after work, but then I just felt really hemmed in and nervous all morning, and Sophie making sly side remarks, jokey or not they were NOT helping me feel good for the day.

At the end of the day I was just silent again. It's a sorta defense mechanism. I just didn't get the feeling anyone in that room cared, it was like I was about to spend a night going out with complete strangers. I mean Sophie's not a friend she's just a person who I have to talk to that is occasionally nice. And Mum's just...mum. I can't live with her. I found myself talking to Jess again 'cos she's the only friend who actively cares, and I decided to leave after work.

I felt a bit stupid leaving and not Going Out but I knew it would result in me dressing up like something colourful and approachable, while personally feeling like I should be hiding away in a shadowy corner keeping away from inconsiderate fools.

It's like butterfly vs. moth. And I wanted to pick moth.

I can't deal with bullshit from people who don't care. I'd rather rely on amazing people who bring me up and make me feel loved than no-where bodies.

I've got a long way to go before I can feel safe.

-Des

[Had a crappy night yesterday.]

In the morning I knew I had work with Sophie, and was a bit worried. I was already having a bad morning after mum took offense to me being silent in the car, and then after some quiet beginnings, Mum started taking cheap potshots at me to aid her superiority. I got depressed again, and kept thinking "I want to tell her that I want to kill myself" (even tho I don't believe in suicide, I wanted to make her understand how low I felt) but I resisted the urge. She went shmoozing with Sophie to get her on her side, and then I didn't think her new stock list idea was good, so she was like "oh you're in a bad mood then" in front of Sophie and left the shop.

I shot her an angry stare and said "I can't stand her" under my breath, but then realised Soph might have thought I was talking about her, because I hadn't said the words TO her...more like to myself.

Sophie was silent for a few minutes after that, doing her lists tensely. I wanted to tell her what was going on but she avoided my eyes when she went past, and then hid in the back room for a minute.

I was welling up and I thought I was gonna cry again, I thought maybe I should leave work and let her get on with things alone, because I was so desperate and lonely and thinking I was hurting her.

The day could have crumbled right there. But instead of the tense silences continuing, she took her drink off the table and smiled at me.

I said sorry for letting her get in the crossfire between my family.

She said she understood totally. (she doesn't side with her own mum, the difference is, she works for mine)

Then I said I didn't mean to not talk to her. She said she knew me enough to know I wouldn't do that to her with intent.

I was nervous as hell but felt SO Much Relief Right There. I had to tell her that it wasn't my mum who gave me the depression she just had a way of heightening it.

She said she was listening if I wanted to talk about it, but I said I couldn't.

Anyway, I'm glad I didn't have a total breakdown that morning and leave Sophie alone.

Even tho I had a nervous start, we warmed up and had some fun talks. About corsets and Edwardian wear mostly, because she was thinking of dressing up and going to Okehampton's 'Edwardian Night' next week to see her Dad play folk music in the pub, and she was asking me if I wanted to.

I might.

I'd get to wear my top hat and see her father play. Also to see her outside work.

But my mum would be there...and she's a bitch. I don't know how to avoid her, really. Maybe we'll hide in a corner of the pub from her.

I need to find a new girl to be with. I guess a half-assed attempt at happiness is better than none.

-Des

P.S. And now my Dad is drunk and saying aggressive, dangerous things...I swear he was about to say something about killing just now. I don't like how alcohol affects him.

[Edited]

Had to be said...a day that went well. I don't know how that happened...seemed remarkable enough to mention just the concept of it!

I'm happy: [link]


-Des

[NaNoWriMo: 6,000 words!!]

I feel depressed tonight.

I think first Dad told me someone who used to come in the shop [who's actually a previous Mayor our old town] had died of cancer. She talked to me but I didn't know her very well so it didn't affect me that much.

But then I started thinking about my situation. Felt a longing for someone, and wished there were noises in the house like in uni. Happy people, guitars, shouting, annoying but warm. Wandered why Remmie [our cat] was so inward and unsure what to do with herself compared to our other cats. Kept thinking it's this house.

Want to move to another house.

I'm a useless people-person though. I find it hard to talk and do what other people do. And be competitive and interesting. I want to be owned by someone [not in the comical meaning of the word ] I need a person to come back to after pressuring times so that pushing myself into more threatening areas is less scary, because at the end of the day I can always come home and say 'had a bad day' and be accepted. Sometimes I look capable. People think I am capable, because I look like it, but then they see my mannerisms and they see what I do and they realise there's something very strange going on. Probably. I'm not an adult. I'm not capable, so maybe I shouldn't try to be, just because I look it.

I need to live somewhere else. But I need to find friends who have vaguely similar problems to me and are patient, and understand mental disability.

And I need noise, and I need to party, and go out late, and work long hours, and be independent. But I don't think I'm going to have any of this.

hmm, I feel lost. I keep wandering which bits are my fault and which bits are to do with upbringing.

Okay, I'm going now.

[NaNoWriMo - 4000 words]

-Des